not the average girl from your video

turnsmileshift @ 2003-08-25T02:42:00

2003-08-25T06:57:54Z

That last entry didn't really mean it was the end of LJ for me, y'all. Sorry that ended up causing some confusion.

I'm back at school. Well, I've been here for a week and a half now, but I've been busy having a social life again ... after a summer full of 56-hour workweeks (half of it at an unpaid internship - I loved it, but grrrr to lack of money), I finally have enough time to pay this some mind and attempt to catch up on my friends list.

Hell of a lot of stuff has happened, even just since I've been back here. Been having the time of my life for the most part, but a lot of it has been overly emotional. Old friends, new friends, classes start tomorrow and I don't feel like sleeping yet. I'm continuing to be rather confused about ... well, everything, down to the fact that one of my force-register classes has mysteriously disappeared from my MyUB sched the day before classes start?! And it's the ONE class I absolutely NEED to take this semester or else. Fuckers. I need my VisCom back.

Starting to realize that maybe I don't know what I want because I'm not quite sure of what's out there. Maybe one of these days I'll let go of everything that's holding me back and let someone in, at least a little. I could use a chance, at this point, a new chance. Maybe one's on the way already, who knows. A friend told me tonight maybe I'm doing things out of order - and that may very well be the problem. I wouldn't mind backing up and trying it over ... gotta love the unexpected!

Anyway, I've been in a completely giddy mood since I've been back home. Fate seems to be on my side ever since 2 AM on Saturday morning. And although a few things may be a little fuck-ed up, all's well in the end, or so we hope. I'll be around.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-08-09T04:24:00

2003-08-09T08:25:23Z

Me and maigrir183 declare that livejournal is GAY

not gay like gay, but gay like GAY.

The end, kaput, don't stop for the yayo, fhqwhgads.

Hell yeah.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-06-23T01:53:00

2003-06-23T05:58:35Z

So let's say you live in the on-campus apartments at UB, and you're transferring to a job in Walden Galleria, and you want to avoid the 290-90 interchange traffic at all costs, but still get to work in a decent amount of time. Yeah, that's me. What are my other options besides 290 to 90 for a route to get to work? Preferably one that keeps moving pretty well, with not so many traffic lights along that way ...

turnsmileshift @ 2003-06-20T10:15:00

2003-06-20T14:16:53Z

I fell asleep at six last night, after all this working early business, and just woke up, making up for all my insomnia.

And now I have to work again ... so much for posting the rest of my list. But I do plan on revealing who everybody is ;)

turnsmileshift @ 2003-06-18T15:55:00

2003-06-18T19:58:59Z

turnsmileshift
Magic Number	16
Job	Serial Killer
Personality	The Glass Is Half-Empty
Temperament	Steely
Sexual	Just Say No
Likely To Win	Another Gold Star
Me - In A Word	Unique
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

Ohmygod.
I don't know why I'm turning into such a silly little schoolgirl again.
In an odd way, I almost enjoy it.

On the other hand.
I've got to get stuff together for this internship. They want "samples" ... I hate giving samples, they never show quite enough of what I can do.
Poop.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-06-16T23:33:00

2003-06-17T03:35:50Z

New icon. Check that shit.

Lots going on. My internships are all fucked up and I am not a happy girl about that. But work ... it just gets more and more interesting every day.

Going in at 6 AM on Wednesday ... ought to prove pretty fucking interesting.

There's one thing about working retail ... it gives you so much time to think. Far too much, in fact. And that, of course, is no help at all to people like me who already analyze the everloving shit out of everything. And my insomnia only gets worse. I haven't had trouble sleeping in years. Now ... my eyes simply won't stay shut.

A wickedly exciting road trip is only two weeks away, although there's a lot of potential for a lot of heavily inriguing events to take place in said two "short" weeks ...

... but I'm not saying anything 'till it happens.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-06-12T23:03:00

2003-06-13T03:14:27Z

Heads up: this journal is being, for the most part, deleted and archived. The name will be kept intact ... but most of the entries will be gone.

Anyway, toreeena had one of these and I was jealous, so I checked it out. In fact, I got two. And I don't know which is better.

girl that I think that not
my buddy got
home in the
list from away I can keep
your homeland under
fire and her home.
Sounds good, about
our freedoms. the
tape ... the last fucking pointless.
I know so make yourself a little
more but forget how we have gone
to be the place
with
me too, short I have
any
sense
on top of
those who will be getting much on that.

girl 39 girl with them.
by their petty bitching and what
I regress? I fear the end,
it never gives me places
rather than you fall down if you
feel like I might
die. No one acoustic guitar
We felt on
us signed up so hard time! Oh, invited.
looking for? Himself he had
at that, for every
day for himself or right as the ones
and there went on the
fucker in and in or
have gone to mount my list,
from people blown away
Have you give me safety,
and terrorists.

... and here's where you get yours

One other good line it churned out: "Shameless plug: the rest of your dirty work, rather than half shit."

That's it for now, 'cause I'm still sick, it's really not even funny anymore. Time to spend another 8 hours or so staring at the ceiling? Mmmm.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-06-11T12:59:00

2003-06-11T17:00:27Z

First of all, this? Very interesting. VERY interesting results, the site is a little weird, but y'all should try it just for this.





	
	
	
		diamentia
		
		103%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		joymoose
		
		95%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		xglittergod
		
		95%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		dreamfireflame
		
		87%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		toreeena
		
		86%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		brandonx
		
		84%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		kahvi
		
		84%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		butterymufkin
		
		80%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		glitterbec
		
		79%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		hellfaerie
		
		72%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		mangoman
		
		61%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		xem0xk1dx
		
		61%
		
		
		
	
	
	


	
	
	
		bloodandfur
		
		58%
		
		
		
	
	
	

How compatible with me are YOU?

And. I'm planning on coming back in to Buffalo the day before my apartment opens up, because I really don't want to miss G. Love and Special Sauce at TITS! So hopefully someone can put me up 'til morning ... and then there's Aimee Mann the next week, good thing there'll be all sorts of stuff to do when I get back. There's obviously nothing going on here.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-06-09T00:40:00

2003-06-09T04:38:37Z

It's like I don't even want to say the words anymore.
Because I know that it doesn't even matter to let them out. It's like I'm revealing something, but I'm not. In the end, what matters is who sees it, who reads it, who gives a half shit.
I just feel like I can't do that right now. I don't have anything worth saying, worth reading, worth anything.
No, I'm not depressed. Lately I'm just normal. And therefore boring.
I continue to feel like an entirely different person when I'm here in Syracuse. And everything changes back "home" in Buffalo. I change. It's all different. I can't help reacting and adapting. It's practically involuntary. A simple reflex. Then I return here to find myself putting on makeup every single time I leave the house and worrying about making my hair look perfect. I don't do that. I just don't do that. I grew up and away. So when I'm not away, I regress?
I don't mean to.
It doesn't help that I don't even really get to go out. Oh, I'm invited. That is, until everyone remembers that I'm underage. When all your friends are older than you and you're twenty years old - you're helpless, unless everyone's edge. I can't even go out just to go out (and not even drink) with them. And of course, no one wants to hang out anywhere other than the bars with their newfound legality.
Leaving me with more time to do nothing else but think of what the hell might be wrong.
Am I trying to make up for something? Is there something I'm missing? Am I doing this to myself?
Maybe. Not. Maybe. Not. Maybe. Not.

Not that I expect anyone to have the answers.
Fucking pointless.
I don't know, I really don't. This isn't the end, I just don't have any substance right now.
Better luck tomorrow.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-05-25T20:47:00

2003-05-26T00:45:22Z

Truth hurts ... I really don't have any friends here anymore.

(Here being Syracuse ... thank you, though, all of you *smiles*)

Rather sad.
I don't know, I don't really do anything, no one is here, and those that are either have their own set "crew" or I've grown apart from ... and those with set groups I really don't want to hang out with much anyway because I don't like to be part of a single clique, I like to be open and have lots of different friends, and I guess I've learned that the key to failure really is trying to please everyone.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-05-19T16:46:00

2003-05-19T20:47:53Z

Hey all. I'm still alive. I've just been busy and really haven't had much to say lately ... not busy like during the semester, but busy working at the Ol' Slave Me (seen the new commercials? We swear they are trying to make us look like cartoons) and doing all sorts of artwork (I'm making books ... I'm going off to buy some old picture books in a bit. Doesn't leave much time for me to be sitting in front of the comp (hey, I'm trying to do SOME handiwork instead of constant Photoshop and Quark) ... keep watching, though.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-05-06T00:14:00

2003-05-06T04:23:58Z

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	41.7% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	58.9%
Shamelessness	52.4% It takes a couple of drinks	74.8%
Sex Drive	36.8% I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'!	72.6%
Straightness	5.4% Knows the other body type like a map	37.4%
Gayness	83.9% Repressed, are we?	75.8%
Fucking Sick	77% Refreshingly normal	86%
You are 51.92% pure Average Score: 67%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

turnsmileshift @ 2003-05-02T21:36:00

2003-05-03T01:37:42Z

Today I'm a king on the wheel
Still a slave to the wheel
But this time around I'm smiling
Keep me cautious, keep me safe, just in case there's a chance
I can leave this wheel behind me
Stand in the middle and you won't get dizzy
Stand in the middle and you won't fall down
If you stand in the middle you can keep your balance
Stand in the middle while the wheel spins round and round

Nothing 'till later. I am currently packing my little car with ALL my shit ALL by myself. It's quite the workout. And then, as a reward, a two hour car ride home. Sounds good, eh?

turnsmileshift @ 2003-04-21T00:05:00

2003-04-21T04:07:41Z

xpost with IAM - forgive me.

I just realized that for the most part, I'm really not as sure of what I want as I thought I was. I'm not complaining; I have (or have had at some point) so many things that I once wanted.

On a fundamental level, I understand that most of us want the same or similar things. But lately, the specifics have been getting fuzzier and fuzzier.

I think that part of it has to do with some interesting conversation I had with Kevyn around 7:30 this morning. Mind you, I'd never met the kid before last night, and it's not "like that" ... he has quite the thing for one of my best friends. (Hold on a second here ... with me, it's never really "like that," but anyway ... ) In any case, some intriguing thoughts were exchanged, much to my surprise. Although we lead dramatically different lives (I'm an art student, he's a model and aspiring fashion designer) in a lot of ways we found each other coming from the same place and being able to relate based on similar experiences. I'm not focusing so much on what was said as how it was said, really.

Every day I find a little more of myself. And every day I lose a little more of myself. It's an endless cycle; I just hope that the tradeoffs are finally starting to work out in my favor.

I wonder. I never stop wondering, and I don't think I ever will, because I don't think it'd be good - or right - to stop. Perhaps I'm wrong, but curiosity seems to be getting me places rather than holding me back. What is it, really, that I'm looking for? What's the goal in mind? Is there a direction I'm moving in? Or should I fuck trying to figure out where I want to be, and just keep letting things happen? I've always stuck with fate, but I don't know whether that's the problem or the solution.

You go where you want, 'cause you know what you feel
I'll sit and I'll fight with my hopes and my dreams
'Cause I can't figure out what I need
These days are too short - I should know you by now
But your breath is everything I know
So make yourself a memory, 'cause this won't last long
And we won't be back
If I turn my head just right, I can almost make it look
Like I'm sure and I mean what I say
But you stand close enough to know that I dream like a child
I guess I never knew what hit me
I know it doesn't matter now

turnsmileshift @ 2003-04-10T00:57:00

2003-04-10T04:58:17Z

It's my birthday! Dun dun da dun.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-04-02T14:15:00

2003-04-02T19:18:18Z

I am now officially retarded in art history. Specifically, far eastern art history.

I'm being completely serious. Is it possible to be learning disabled in art history? Because I am. I am dead serious when I say I think I need an IEP. It doesn't make any sense for an A student - and a junior at that - to be getting a D in a FRESHMAN LEVEL ART HISTORY COURSE.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-03-31T21:00:00

2003-04-01T02:00:44Z

I don't even know if I can TOUCH the events of the past few days. All I can say is: sgirls.

It's official now, too ... I'm into my department!

And in other news ... I just discovered that my computer has a built-in microphone ... somewhere. I have no idea where the hell it is, though.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-03-28T16:50:00

2003-03-28T21:58:47Z

So I go to my portfolio review. I'm feeling pretty good about my stuff, but not overly confident. Everyone's been telling me that I'll do just fine, but you always have that sense of impending doom hanging over you ...

The kid that went in before me comes out looking frazzled. "Oh man, that was brutal. They kept asking me, 'why do you want to be in communication design?' I didn't know what to say, it's so hard to just explain." The other guy waiting to go in and I kind of look at each other like, shit, we'd better be prepared for that.

A few minutes later, they call me in. All my pieces are mounted; I decide to put out six at a time. Half now, half later.

"Terrific." "What class did you do this for? This is really great." "Nice work." "Terrific." "Wonderful."

They seemed to be really impressed by my courseload, course choices, and grades. One of them went on and on about how great it was that I was minoring in Linguistics and how well it would complement CD. (I'm glad he picked up on that. I've known all along that it'd be a great choice.)

Next six. Same compliments. And then this: "You have some really nice work here. Really excellent. We'd love to have you in the department. As long as you don't give me a hard time!"

Me: "I promise, I'll NEVER give you a hard time!" And one of my current teachers agrees. "She never gives me a hard time. Don't worry about that." And smiles.

The official acceptance list will be posted Monday or Tuesday, but that was a pretty clear sign that things went really fucking fantabulous (and supertastic!)

*HUGE sigh of relief* ... let's just hope my name is on that list next week!

turnsmileshift @ 2003-03-28T10:30:00

2003-03-28T15:29:50Z

Today is the day that will decide the rest of my life.

I hardly know where to begin.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-03-27T01:39:00

2003-03-27T06:42:52Z

I've got this sick-ass case of "New Sketchbook Syndrome." You know, it's all brand spanking new and perfect and pristine and blank. I seriously don't even know where to begin with it, because I don't want to fuck it all up. So I don't do anything, and having it goes to waste.

It really is a gorgeous new book, though. It's the absolutely ideal size for me, too, and the pages are just the right weight - thinner and smoother than the usual ones I buy. This is my first "book" sketchbook, too ... I usually buy the spiral-bound ones, not the spine-bound ones. Always hardcover, though. That way you always have a hard flat surface to use.

Goddamn clean sketchbooks. I mean, I love it, but goddamnit, sometimes there's really nothing worse than a blank canvas.

turnsmileshift @ 2003-03-26T00:45:00

2003-03-26T05:46:52Z

Shameless plug: I'm the new moderator of glitterbec's community, suicidegirls!

Come join us if you're into SG!

turnsmileshift @ 2003-03-21T01:52:00

2003-03-21T06:58:24Z

Okay, here's the deal. I need your help!
I'm doing an open mic night on short notice. I'll be singing, and a friend will be playing guitar.
We need a simple guitar ballad, with a vocal part that can be sung by a girl with a lowish-end alto voice. (For the most part, I can't sing most female parts; Ani Difranco, Fiona Apple, Alanis Morrissette, and the like are where we're talking about for range for me.) Mid- to low-range male tenor voices are quite good; for the most part, I can pull off the Beatles, Ben Harper, Dave Matthews, John Mayer.
It has to be a fairly slow and simple song. Remember, it's just one acoustic guitar and my voice.
I NEED ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS YOU CAN THINK OF!

bombs over baghdad

2003-03-20T04:44:29Z

These sort of sentiments piss me off. I've lifted them from away messages on my buddy list, from people I honestly don't really talk to often or at all:

"Watching President Bush...
If you are a stupid liberal and are against going to war do NOT even think about IMing me because I don't like you right now."

I'm a liberal, but I sure as shit ain't stupid.

I support our country and the decisions made to protect our country.
I support our President and respect the difficult decisions he faces.
You have the right as an American to be for or against war, but don't forget how we earned our freedoms and there comes a time where we need to protect those freedoms!
Our President doesn't fight this for himself or by himself. He fights every day for us, to protect our lives and the rest of the world from threatening dictators and terrorists.
I admire those troops who have gone to fight. They go on their free will knowing that they might die. No politician made them go, it was by their love for our country, and to protect their loved ones and our freedoms.

That's the problem ... believing that it's okay to "protect" the rest of the world. That's what most of the trouble is, and the reason why other countries are so pissed off at us: because we keep stepping in where we don't belong.
Also, our freedoms are most endangered by our OWN government right now, not by an Iraqi dude with a silly mustache. Oops! There went your civil rights! Do you give a shit about THAT?

Beautiful quote said by a NBC news reporter: "We don't want to completely destroy the infrastructure of Iraq because in a few days we are going to own it"

"A few days" isn't going to happen this time. The Gulf War happened that quickly because we had most of the rest of the free world on our side. Besides Britain and a select few others, we're pretty fucking alone right now. We don't have the U.N. or anything.

"I hear people saying "we don't need this war"
But say there're some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground
We did get to keep them by backing down
Now they say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start your preaching let me ask you this my friend

Have you forgotten how it felt that day to see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten when those towers fell we had neighbors still inside going through a living hell.
Have you forgotten.

They took all the footage of my TV, said it's too disturbing for you and me.
It'll just breed anger, that's what the experts say, if it was up to me, id show it every day
Some say this country's just out looking for a fight, well after 9-11 man I'd have to say that's right!
Have you forgotten"

And what exactly did Iraq do to deserve this? Who the hell do we think we are, having the ridiculous, narcissistic audacity to make this blatantly offensive move?
I'm not even going to mention how I felt on September 11th, 2001, because I'd be getting much more hatemail than I could ever deal with.

I hate Iraq. I really hate Saddam. I dont like Bush but hes not my problem. Americans everywhere need to unite. Stop their petty bitching and put up a fight. how do you expect us to attain true peace, if we dont kill that fucker in the middle east. im sick of you bitches protesting Bush, he had the balls when shove came to push. You forget how we felt on nine eleven, we fight our war now so it doesnt happen again. You supported America then, support her now, and pray for our troops to return safe and sound.

First of all, what do you mean Bush isn't your problem? SADDAM isn't your problem! Who's the president of YOUR country?! Second, killing "the fucker in the [M]iddle [E]ast" establishes what, exactly? We can't expect that the execution of Hussein will lead to a peace-loving Iraqi magically rising to power. Come on now, he's got two sons lined up to fill his shoes. Third, and probably most importantly for this one, push hasn't come to shove yet. Iraq didn't push to endanger our safety, only to protect themselves. Fourth, don't assume everyone supported America beginning on September 11, 2001. I didn't. And finally: the troops wouldn't have to RETURN if it weren't for all this. They'd just BE here, home "safe and sound."

Thank YOU, Mr. President that we didn't elect, for using your term to try to finish the rest of your daddy's dirty work, and for being so self-absorbed that you'll do anything to make your name remembered. It would have been much easier (and caused far fewer casualties) if you'd have just had sex with an intern. Thank YOU for putting the nail in the coffin of the U.S.'s reign as a superpower. Who will emerge next? I fear the possibilities. I really fear for every single one of our lives.

How soon will it change?

I'll end my "silly" far-left liberalism with a little bit of a smile, because we probably all need it right about now. The real, humanized truth from an old friend from high school that's now a (fully mobilized) Marine, from an AIM profile -

Its good to see our troops hard at work:
EE: well, yea me and my buddy got trashed at their tent camp
EE: walked all over the place with a loaded m-16 and drinkin here is a no no especially in a combat zone
EE: someone ratted on us cuz we came up to the site all shitfaced
EE: my buddy tried to pick a fight with a corporal

turnsmileshift @ 2003-03-15T22:44:00

2003-03-16T04:00:56Z

Every once in a while I know it's all going to work out in my favor. I'm going to get in, I know it ... I have to!

I'm going back to school with as many different clothes as I can possibly bring with me. I'm so bored with everything, and on that note, someone ought to kill me if I wear my gray fleece coat again. Maybe I can will it to stay warm. Luckily, forecasts are absolutely stellar for the next week or so.

Closing my eyes and hoping for the best!

turnsmileshift @ 2003-03-18T11:02:00

2003-03-13T16:15:36Z

I must admit, something really bothers me about this girl that was kidnapped and now, after almost a year, she's back: the fact that she was so close to her home. Why wasn't she making more efforts to break free? They always tell you, if someone is trying to kidnap you, the most important thing is to do EVERYTHING you can to get away, and never stop trying to escape. Why wasn't she doing that? Is there a good reason why she wasn't? Or was she, and something legitimate was stopping her?

I'm not really saying for sure that she wasn't, but from everything on the news, it sure seems like she wasn't. I'm just curious as to what she was doing all that time ... trying to get out or submitting to her abductors? I'm hoping that if it's the latter, she has a really good reason for it ... because if not, something's very wrong.