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Monday, April 21st, 2003
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12:05a
xpost with IAM - forgive me.
I just realized that for the most part, I'm really not as sure of what I want as I thought I was. I'm not complaining; I have (or have had at some point) so many things that I once wanted.
On a fundamental level, I understand that most of us want the same or similar things. But lately, the specifics have been getting fuzzier and fuzzier.
I think that part of it has to do with some interesting conversation I had with Kevyn around 7:30 this morning. Mind you, I'd never met the kid before last night, and it's not "like that" ... he has quite the thing for one of my best friends. (Hold on a second here ... with me, it's never really "like that," but anyway ... ) In any case, some intriguing thoughts were exchanged, much to my surprise. Although we lead dramatically different lives (I'm an art student, he's a model and aspiring fashion designer) in a lot of ways we found each other coming from the same place and being able to relate based on similar experiences. I'm not focusing so much on what was said as how it was said, really.
Every day I find a little more of myself. And every day I lose a little more of myself. It's an endless cycle; I just hope that the tradeoffs are finally starting to work out in my favor.
I wonder. I never stop wondering, and I don't think I ever will, because I don't think it'd be good - or right - to stop. Perhaps I'm wrong, but curiosity seems to be getting me places rather than holding me back. What is it, really, that I'm looking for? What's the goal in mind? Is there a direction I'm moving in? Or should I fuck trying to figure out where I want to be, and just keep letting things happen? I've always stuck with fate, but I don't know whether that's the problem or the solution.
You go where you want, 'cause you know what you feel
I'll sit and I'll fight with my hopes and my dreams
'Cause I can't figure out what I need
These days are too short - I should know you by now
But your breath is everything I know
So make yourself a memory, 'cause this won't last long
And we won't be back
If I turn my head just right, I can almost make it look
Like I'm sure and I mean what I say
But you stand close enough to know that I dream like a child
I guess I never knew what hit me
I know it doesn't matter now
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